Artist: Frank Zappa

Title: The Poodle Lecture 

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FZ: 



In the beginning God made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter God made three big 

mistakes. The first mistake was called MAN, the second mistake was called 

WO-MAN, and the third mistake was the invention of THE POODLE. Now the 

reason the poodle was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted 

to build a Schnauzer, but he fucked up. Now a long time ago, the poodle 

used to be a very attractive dog. The poodle had hair evenly distributed all 

over its small piquant canine type BODY. That's the way it used to be, the 

poodle used to be a regular looking dog. You know it's true, I guess you do 

too. (Oh, I have to kiss you? Oh okay.) 



Anyway listen, check this out. The poodle used to look good, you know the 

regular dogs that used to hang out in the neighbourhood looked at the 

poodle, 

didn't think anything of it. You know, they didn't use to make fun of it in the 

olden days. But the WO-MAN, as you know, has always been much smarter 

than the MAN. 



Guy In The Audience: 



You're the best! 



FZ: 



That stuff is very bad for you, throw it away, okay. Now you're interrupting 

my story, now listen . . . What is that? Is that the Tower of Power or what? 

Oh no no, it's one of those dope fiend devices, take it away. Now listen: 



The WO-MAN has always been much smarter than the MAN, you know this is 

true. And so it was since the beginning of time. The MAN would do anything 

to get some pussy. And that's why the WO-MAN always had control over 

him. 



In the beginning the WO-MAN looked the MAN directly into the eye and said:

"I tell you what, why don't you go get a job because I could use a few nice 

things around the house. Mainly what I need is a clipper, a scissors, and a 

pair of zircon encrusted tweezers." (Thank you very much.) 



And of course the MAN did his duty as they say in the trade. He went out 

and he got a goddamn job. Went out and pushed that broom around for 

about a dollar-2.98 an hour, brought his money back to the garden of Eden 

and gave that money to the WO-MAN. 



The WO-MAN ran out the back door of the garden of Eden, went directly to 

the hardware store, got the clippers, the scissors and the zircon encusted 

tweezers and came back and, while the MAN was very tired from having his 

job, while he was sleeping, the WO-MAN got a hold of the POODLE. 

Because the WO-MAN had noticed earlier that the length and proportion of 

the poodle oral appendage, the tongue of the dog in other words, ladies and 

gentlemen, was very much to her liking, except that this dog had too 

goddamn much hair on it. It didn't have the disco look that's so popular 

nowadays. And so the WO-MAN sat out to modify the aforementioned dog. 

Let me get a little uh, visual aid . . . 



Now she took the dog and she cleaned it up a little bit. You see, she took 

a little bit of the back-part here, around the neck, the thorax, the tootsies. 

Got all of the unwanted extranious material off this area which we shall call 

Burbank. Then she set the little sucker up like this, really nice, got his 

mouth set up like that. And squatted right ON HIM. Looking down into the 

dog's eyes. She looked down into the dog's eyes, do you know what she 

said to the dog? She said: