Good evening

Thousands of people today were grieving

Over the loss of 200-some-odd civilians

The incident took place

Near a downtown Brooklyn apartment building

On a sidewalk across the street from a park with children in it

Strangely none sustained injury

Initial reports point to some sort of chemical mischief

Appeared on the bodies of the deceased

When asked to comment

Police admitted they had no leads

Just one woman woke out of her sleep

By loud, rhythmic speech

She claimed the strangest part about it was the pattern

Couplets of sergeant-like fury followed by nonsensical banter

As wee hours approached, it seemed the volume got worse

And became less of the second and more of the first

Police are working OEround the clock right now that's all they can tell us

We'll have more on this story as it develops

Signing off, Rheturik Jones





W.A. X. P

The best in the nation

All of our reporters at the top of their games

Now stay tuned for station identification





Tonight in sports

The cops got bested by the thieves

The star center got paid and hopped a plane overseas

And with an ease that you wouldn't believe

A second-class officer was caught at half-time selling keys

It was crooked as hell

But when they reached the final buzzer

The cops couldn't squeeze it out

Now on to other parts of the world

It was quite a butte in Montana

The militia took the field against the Feds from Alabama

They scrambled on the ground for the first half

It seemed as though they didn't have a chance

But the Feds didn't last

They were overcome

The militia had made a run and left notes like John Mclean

"Now we have machine guns"

The bitches beat the ho's three to one

That puts the ho's out of the playoffs

The bitches said ³Gee, it was fun²

Tomorrow night, the cats meet the duns

Now I'm no fortune-teller

But I know who might be winning that one

Signing off, L. Austin space









It's bad news in tomorrow's forecast

It starts sunny but dress warm

This heat won't last

Expect to see electrical storms and flooding

Public schools closed, kids

No cause for cutting

The inbound traffic's already backed up

So arrive at your local transportation stations early

We're foreseeing little space

First train to last bus

That's all for now

Need news, ask us

Signing off, Mas Dimitri