Hey hey, I got a monster in the closet
The door's open even though I've tried to lock it
His teeth are long, he's gonna eat me today
No matter what you say, I won't be OK, so there

Hey hey, won't you just turn out your pocket
And gimme something I can put up on the docket
A simple strategy for fighting it back,
It's not like talking to it nice is gonna put it on track

Just a stick or a broom that'll help me get it out of the room
I don't wanna meet my own doom tonight

So hey, just help me out
Lend me a shotgun please for just one bout

Hey hey, I got a monster in the closet
We used some tape and now we're hoping that'll block it
Must be a gate into another dimension,
And now I feel like a moderator in a detention, but now I'm

Hey hey, just a picture in a locket
Now that it's gone and torn my bones out of their sockets
A solemn memory for those who knew best
But for the monster in the closet, wasn't even a test

So why couldn't you loan me a little help of your own?
You couldn't even look in the room to be sure

So hey, just help me out
Lend me a shotgun please for just one bout
Hey, just help me out
Lend me an 8-gauge please, put it in my mouth

I called, I called your name out loud
You never came and it was just the bones they found
It didn't leave a single bit of meat,
Not enough for positive police ID

And now I'm gone, gone, gone, don't you regret
Never giving me the time you say you'd spend?
Sitting by my crackpot ass in bed