Tess's Torch Song
Dinah Shore
(Ted Koehler & Harold Arlen)

I HAD A MAN.
HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
THAT IS, YOU SEE, WHAT I MEAN IS
I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
I HAD A FRIEND.
SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.
I TOLD MY FRIEND BOUT MY MAN CAUSE
I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.
LIFE WAS SWEET.
didn't I HAVE MY MAN?
WORLD COMPLETE...
THEN THE FIREWORKS BEGAN.
AINT GOT NO MAN.
AINT GOT NO FRIEND.
I BET YOU CAN GUESS
JUST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT WAS THE END,
THE END OF MY FRIEND,
THE END OF MY MAN,
AND ALMOST THE END OF ME.
OH YES, OH YES, I HAD A MAN.
OOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO,
THAT IS, YOU SEE, WHAT I MEAN IS
I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
I HAD A FRIEND
I SAID, I HAD A FRIEND
UMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM
I TOLD MY FRIEND BOUT MY MAN
CAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND.
LIFE WAS SWEET.
didn't I HAVE MY MAN, MY MAN
WORLD COMPLETE...
THEN THE FIREWORKS BEGAN.
AINT GOT NO MAN.
AINT GOT NO FRIEND.
I BET YOU CAN GUESS
JUST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT WAS THE END,
THE END OF MY FRIEND,
THE END OF MY MAN,
AND DARNED NEAR THE END OF ME.

Danny Kaye's wife, Sylvia Fine, adapted it to a jive version that was done
in a "Mail Call" program in 1944 by Danny and Dinah:

TESSS TORCH SONG - JIVEBEST FRIEND...
Dinah: OH, SO-SO-SO SO SWEET AS CHOCOLATE MALTER.
Danny: I TOLD MY FRIEND BOUT MY GAL
CAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!
Dinah: SHOOT THE BROMO TO ME, RAMON.
LIFE WAS SWEET...
Danny: I WAS A HA-AA-APPY MAN!
Dinah: WORLD COMPLETE...
Danny: THEN CAME THE BUST-UP, THEY BUSTED MY TRUST UP.
THE FIREWORKS BEGAN.
Dinah: YOU LOST YOUR GAL...
Danny: OH, LEARNED JACKSON, BLOW THOSE BLUES FOR ME.
Dinah: YOU LOST YOUR FRIEND...
Danny: OH, MURDER, MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE!
Dinah: I GOT A FEELIN?THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.
Both: THIS WONT BE THE END -- NO, NO
I'll FIND A NEW FRIEND -- YES, YES
I'll FIND A NEW GAL -- HO, HO
THIS WONT BE THE END OF ME.

Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL WELL ALL-ROOT
WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP
Dinah: GREETINGS, GATE, HOWYA BEEN?
Danny: OH FEELIN?GREAT, GIMME SOME SKIN!
Dinah: LOOKIN?SHARP!
Danny: OH, SHARP AS A HARP!
Dinah: FEELIN?KEEN?
Danny: HEY, KEEN AS A BEAN.
Dinah: NO TEARS FOR MARY?
Danny: AS DRY AS A PRAIRIE.
Dinah: NO WOE FOR JOE?
Danny: OH NO, NO, NO.
Dinah: NO BEATIN?THE GRAY?
Danny: OH NAY, NAY, NAY.
Dinah: NO BUSTED TICKER?
Danny: OH, TICKER TICKIN?SLICKER.
Dinah: WELL, TOAST ME, MELBA
IS THIS A FACT?
Danny: BEAT ME DADDY --[hand slap]-- AND I'll HIT YOU BACK!

Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT
WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP
Danny: HEY, GOOD LOOKIN?
Dinah: what'sA IS-A COOKIN?
Danny: FEELIN?GROOVY?
Dinah: GROOVY AS A MOVIE!
Danny: SOFT AND MELLOW?
Dinah: MELLOW AS-A JELLO.
Danny: WANNA BE MY CHICKEN?
Dinah: NOW YOUS A-CLICKIN?
Danny: NO YAK-YAK?
Dinah: SOLID, JACK!
Danny: WELL, RATION ME SOME PASSION,
PITCH ME SOME WOO
Dinah: ON THE BUTTON, GLUTTON --(kiss)--SMACKEROO!
Danny: WELL, GRILL ME, LAMB CHOP
WELL, ALL RIGHT!
Dinah: CROWD ME, MAMA, CAUSE it's SATURDAY NIGHT!

Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT
WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP
(They do a verse of echo-scat, Danny leading.)

Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT
WITH A HEP-HEP-HEP-HEP-HEP!

These are pretty obscure numbers, but they're really entertaining!
--Gary Moody