Nothin more'n the
occasional tear
But this man's life goes on
and he gets
greased all over
from time to time
At the strip joint, where we met
He said 'Hi, my name is Ted
See that one over there
That ball of thunder
Every time she goes Vavoom,
I wiggle in my chair
Can I buy you a beer?
What a guy

'I've had a few myself' he said
'But I never quit when I'm ahead
Too many rules and regulations
Stupid laws designed by fools behind closed doors
And another thing I won't discuss is religion
It always causes a fight
Vavoom
There she goes again
'How does she do that' said Ted

And he told me
of those unjustices (that)
He had suffered in his life
His wife and kids
and boss and dogs
and neighbours
Raising cain and causing strife
They were forever whining
Bleating howling yapping screeching moaning crying
Vavoom
He fed them well
He keep them warm

Thing about Ted
he didn't really care
Nothing much got in his hair
and the beauty of it was
that he was right
He was big as a truck
and fast as a door
(what's that?)
he was always right

The banjo player took a hike
What's that song
I used to like
Vavoom
He was big as a truck
Fast as a door - Ted
Ted the man our Ted