He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!
 Hey Conrad, how about answering a few questions?
 How do you feel about joining in the Army?
 Albert:
 Ah Ah Ah, how does he feel...You ask how he feels
 He's much too shy to tell you,
 So, I'll tell ya how he feels
 He feels brave and eager!
 Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI!
 Rosie:
 He would gladly face those bullets,
 For he's not afraid to die!
 Chorus:
 For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal
 American boy!
 Albert:
 And that's why he volunteered for...
 Voice:
 Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!
 Voice:
 And he appealed...three times!
 Rosie:
 Sing!
 Girls:
 We love you Conrad
 Oh yes we do
 We love you Conrad
 And will be true!
 When you're not near us
 We're blue!
 Oh, Conrad, we love you...
 Albert:
 Very nice!
 Voice:
 Say what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad.
 Are you two engaged?
 Rosie:
 Ah Ah...Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged?
 There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged!
 Albert:
 She's a real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean a thing!
 And that eighteen carat diamond, it was just a "friendship" ring!
 Chorus:
 For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy!
 Reporter:
 And why was your husband so mad?
 Albert:
 Sing!
 Girls:
 We love you Conrad
 Oh yes we do
 We love you Conrad
 And will be true!
 Reporter:
 Hey Mr. Peterson, give us a scoop, is Conrad still drinking a lot?
 Rosie:
 Now listen here! This gossip must stop!
 He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop!
 Albert:
 He's as decent as a minister!
 Rosie:
 Absolutely
 He's as sober as a judge!
 He subscribes to ev'ry charity!
 And his hobby's making fudge!
 All:
 For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy
 Reporter:
 Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School?
 Rosie & Albert:
 That's a lie!
 A lie thru and thru!
 I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true!
 He was born in Indochina,
 Albert:
 He was born in old Virginia
 Rosie:
 Son of missionaries there!
 Albert:
 On a thousand acre farm!
 Rosie:
 Very poor and very hungry,
 What a cruel life to bear!
 Albert:
 From a line of wealthy planters,
 Full of genteel, southern charm!
 Rosie:
 Soon he drifted down to Hong Kong,
 To a waterfront saloon!
 Albert:
 In evening by the river,
 In the moonlight they would croon!
 Rosie:
 That is where I heard him singing,
 Albert:
 That's where Conrad started singing,
 Rosie:
 Underneath a Hong Kong moon!
 Albert:
 'Neath that sweet plantation moon!
 All:                                 Teens:
 Oh Beautiful for spacious skies,     We love you, Conrad!
 Oh, yes we do!
 For amber waves of grain.            We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.
 A-A-America America,                 Oh, oh, Conrad, we love you
 God shed His grace on thee.          We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.
 All:
 For he's a fine upstanding, av'rage, modest, patriotic,
 healthy, normal American,
 American boy