(This is a song about how sad I am
Just picture a depressed onion cutting himself)

I met a homeless man named Rich (he wasn't)
Isn't that terrible
I saw a flyer for a lost dog and the dog didn't have any legs
I saw a diabetic kid trick or treating
I saw a giraffe who had a short neck
That was sad, or a deer

I saw an old man get hit by a train
He didn't see it in the pouring rain
He didn't hear me shout "look out for the train"
Cause I didn't say anything
(I just thought to myself 'ooh, this is gonna be sad. ' And it was. I'm a genius.)

I saw a man with only one eye in a 3D movie
I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mother's corpse
I saw a kitten stuck in a tree, then the kitten jumped and he hung himself
I saw a kid who had red hair

I went to a store looking for something to buy
But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy
No wait, this store sells mirrors
See what I did there?

Let's rock!
No

The world's so sad, Bro's
Pain, war, genocide, racism, sexism
But I gotta remember there's good things about it too
Like the fact that none of that's happening to me (Score!)
Still though, it's hard not to be sad about it
How do y'all do it?
I've been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song, you haven't been sad at all
You?'ve been happy, no, you've been laughing
That?s it, laughter, it'?s the key to everything
It?s the way to solve all the sadness in the world
I mean, not for people that are actually sad, but for the people like us who? have to fucking deal with ?them all the time
Being a comedian isn?t being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public, it?'s being a hero!
The world isn'?t sad. The world?'s funny! I'm a sociopath!
I saw an old man slip and fall
Hey, what a fucking idiot
I saw a woman at her daughter?s funeral
Hahaha! Classic comedy!
Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now
The Holocaust and 9/11?
That shit?'s funny 24/7 cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about
Because my empathy is bumming me out
Goodbye sadness!
Hello jokes