Some friends and I in a public house
Was playin' dominoes one night
When into the pub a fireman ran
His face all chalky white.
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost,
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?"
"Me Aunt Mariah be buggered!", says he,
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!"

Chorus:
And there was Brown upside down
Moppin' up the whiskey on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried
As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap)
Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire.

"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck.
Everybody follow me.
And it's down to the cellar
If the fire's not there
Then we'll have a drunken spree."
So we went on down with good old Brown
The booze we could not miss
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more
Till we were quite like this...

Chorus

Then, Smith walked over to the port wine tub
And gave it just a few hard knocks (clap clap)
Started takin' off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks.
"Hold on, " says Brown, "that ain't allowed
Ya cannot do that down here.
Don't go washin' out your trotters in the finest wine tub
When we got Miller Lite beer."

Chorus

And then there came a great big crash
Half the bloody roof gave way.
We were almost drowned in the firemen's hose
Though still we were gonna stay
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks
And we nailed ourselves inside
And we sat there getting bleary-eyed drunk
'Til we was petrified.

Chorus

At last the firemen got inside
And found us all dead drunk
But like true heroes, as they could
They helped us in our funk
They saw the booze upon the floor
And gave a sudden yell
Then the took their helmets off
And dropped and drank like hell

Chorus

Later that night, as the fire burned down
We emerged from the cellar below.
Our booze was drunk, our pub was burned
And our spirits sank quite low.
"Oh, look!", says Brown as he checked his watch
By the light of the dying fire.
"Now we gotta get down to Clancy's Bar
It closes on the hour!"

Chorus