‘protestant or catholic'
cried a voice from the crowd
‘not you again st peter'
I was thinking aloud
should have packed my bags
headed off for the coast
had my time already come
to meet the heavenly host?
they switched on their halos
adjusted their harps
checked that the blades
on the pearly gates were sharp
I asked them what they meant
about religious bent
they said ‘that's the test'
I said ‘that's the test-ah-meant'

they were giving holy orders
I think you'll find
I was up against persuasion
of the religious kind

it was hailing marys
at the drop of a tract
said the 7 deadly sins
were staying round at my flat
I pondered on the churches
of england and rome
hadn't paid the rent
for my spiritual home
needed guidance from the leaders
whose names I knew
archbishopÂ…
and john player number two
I quaked in my sackcloth
threw away my joss-stick
burned my koran and said I was agnostic
‘I mean an atheist' I cried
as they moved in for the kill
the walls tumbled down as they
handed me the bill

they weren't impressed
with my distinctions
I think you'll find
that I was up against persuasion
of the religious kind

a lamb to the slaughter
a human sacrifice
I told their spiritual leader
his sceptre looked nice
a hymn book skimmed my ear
but I was only grazed
I dived for cover
as the sawn-off bibles blazed
in the gore I gasped
‘was it something I said?'
then a solid granite altar
hit me on the head
a collection plate plunged into my groin
they marched off discussing
the battle of the boyne

as I expired I was thinking
they'd been rather unkind
but I was up against persuasion
of the religious kind

bleeding and naked
I was somewhat at a loss
the good samaritan was drinking
at the sign of the cross
recalling their question I felt totally alone
as I peered out from underneath
the tablets of stone
in the gutter lay the crushed
remains of a bible
it proclaimed their grievances
were purely tribal
they made me see the light
for that I offer my thanks
I was collared by the dogs
now I've joined their ranks

onward christian soldiers
I hope you don't mind
being afflicted by religion
of the persuasive kind

now if you're visiting some irish town
the politicians' heads stuck in the ground
and the only bell ringing has a
graveyard sound

someone's got to stand up or
nothing's gonna change
till religion
is rearranged