He's a serious Mister
shake his hand and he'll twist your arm
with monopoly money
we'll be buying the funny farm
So I'll do flips, 
and get paid in chips
from a diamond as big as the Ritz--
then I'm calling it quits


Eyes the color of candy
lies to cover the handicap
though your slippers are ruby
you'll be led to the booby trap
And there's no prize,
just a smaller size
so I'm wearing the shoe til it fits--
then I'm calling it quits


Now he's numbering himself among the masterminds
cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines
lifting dialogue from Judy Garland storylines
where get-tough girls turn into goldmines


But oh, those polaroid babies
taking chances with rabies
happy to tear me to bits--
well, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits.